Continued...

I discovered that my eight year old wasn’t a “bully” because he said hurtful words to his brother. A heartfelt discussion allowed him to open up and tell me that he felt his brother was better than him at everything. He thought he was smarter, he could draw better, was better at video games, and had more friends. He wasn’t a mean child, he was a hurting child. He felt like he didn’t measure up. He felt bad. His behavior was his distress call. Taking away his privileges wouldn’t have addressed his feelings or healed the hurt. Those would have continued to fester beneath the surface if I hadn’t taken the time to see the heart behind the behavior. He didn’t need to be grounded to his room, he needed to be grounded in the truth that we was significant and accepted.

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I talked to my three year old about his defiance. I talked to my eight year old about his hurtful words. I corrected them, but I didn’t stop there. I went to the source and put a little healing balm. I answered the distress call. Could the behavior that you keep having to correct be a distress call? This is where real healing begins and how behavior problems are fixed, not simply managed.

Rebecca Eanes is the bestselling author of multiple books including Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide, The Positive Parenting Workbook, and The Gift of a Happy Mother. She is the grateful mom of two boys.