Dr. John Gottman is a world-renowned relationship expert. Through many years of research, he has discovered 4 behaviors that we should avoid if we want to have strong, healthy relationships. He calls these behaviors the four horsemen of the apocalypse because they are sure to bring about the end of a relationship. Having a healthy, connected relationship with our children is what enables us to influence and guide them throughout childhood; therefore, having knowledge and understanding of these 4 pitfalls and their antidotes can help you build a better relationship with those most precious to you – your children.

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Horseman #1: Criticism

Parents often use criticism in an attempt to motivate a child to do better, but criticism rarely motivates. It tears down. Criticism is pointing out something negative – basically shining a spotlight on the child’s flaws and negative traits. The problem is that, according to Dr. Julie Gottman, “kids take in all that criticism as a way of reflecting who they are.” It makes children believe that there is something wrong with them. I’ve said before that parents should be the people who see the best in our children and shine the spotlight on their good qualities. Children can’t see and live up to the best in themselves if we’re always pointing out the worst.

Examples of Criticism:

“You’re so clumsy.” “Why can’t you ever remember to make your bed? What is wrong with you?” “Look at this mess! You’re too lazy to clean your room.” “You’re spoiled rotten and don’t appreciate anything!”

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What are kids really hearing in these phrases? Be more careful to not spill your drink? Please be responsible and make your bed? I’d like for you to tidy your room? I wish you were more appreciative? No. They’re hearing: You’re clumsy. You’re stupid. You’re lazy. You’re spoiled. Any motivation to do better is squashed under the weight of shame.

The Fix:

Leave out character judgments and use “I statements” to state what you want. “Oops, it spilled. I want you to get a cloth and wipe it up.” “I want you to make your bed, please.” “I want you to clean your room before you go to your friend’s house.”

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Now that you some habits to avoid, try 5 Habits That Make Parenting Easier.