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2. Change your routines. A well-thought-out routine is going to make a big difference in cooperation and frustration levels because it allows your kids to fall into certain habits with repetition, it eases their frustration and anxiety because they know what’s coming next, and it allows you to purposefully sidestep some of the triggers you know your family struggles with. For example, if you know that you often end up yelling in the morning trying to get everyone out the door, you can create a routine that ensures everything is laid out the night before, backpacks and coats are near the door, shoes in the right place, and a visual chart to help your kids along is hanging in their room or on the refrigerator. They know what they need to do and they’ve got ample time to do it. It takes discipline to create a good routine and stick with it through those first bumpy days or weeks when it’s new and difficult and most people give up, but if you can see it through, it will help you and your kids.

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3. Learn to manage your reactions. No matter how connected your relationship and how great your routines, life is never perfect and frustrations will arise. That’s why you need a good anger plan to manage your strong emotions and reactions. The initial flood of chemicals that happens when you get angry doesn’t last very long. If you can breathe through that and control your thoughts during those first few seconds, the anger will dissipate very quickly. Of course, this takes practice and determination because there’s a battle going on between your cortex and amygdala (the amygdala setting off an alarm and the cortex trying to be rational) and your thoughts are going to determine which one wins out. Those first few seconds is where the fight against a negative reaction is won. Don’t allow thoughts that fuel the fire to run rampant in your mind. Instead, replace it with a calming mantra such as “This is not an emergency, we’re ok” or “I can handle this, no big deal.” Take deep breaths while you repeat this and wait for the surge of adrenaline to subside. It’s not easy at first, but you can master your anger and be a calm parent.

Rebecca Eanes is the bestselling author of multiple books including Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide, The Positive Parenting Workbook, and The Gift of a Happy Mother. She is the grateful mom of two boys.