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Daniel and Linda are loving, dedicated and educated parents; working professionals who have two children. As the holiday season approaches, they are experiencing what has become commonplace for a typical couple. They spend the majority of their time in a constant state of perpetual motion as they attempt to balance the demand of work and home. When asked about what they want for the holidays, they smiled and told me of their recurring fantasy to rent a hotel room away from the kids for a night, not with the intention of any romantic rendezvous, but rather to get a good nights sleep. Their children also have significant demands on their time. They spend six hours in school and then, depending on the day, they have a revolving schedule of karate, music lessons, gym class and soccer, while at the same time trying to accommodate at least a play date a week for each child, as well as hitting the weekend birthday circuit. Half of the time, the kids are rushed home and are either too exhausted to eat, or too wired to go to bed at a reasonable time. When I inquired about any possible ill effects such a schedule may have on their children, the parents were quick to point out that the children need to have a wide breadth of opportunities and experiences. Later I met with the oldest boy and during the course of our discussion I asked him what words he heard most often around his house. He replied, “Faster please!”.

“Children are impressionable and readily gain an understanding of how to conduct themselves and navigate in the world by the lessons and modeling they observe.”

We live in an age of amazing and advanced technology that make our lives less demanding and easier, however as a society we have become more impatient, that is intolerant of anything that does not provide immediate gratification, or response. We spend endless hours frustrated and complaining that customer service is at a snail’s pace, traffic moves too slowly, our computers do not download fast enough and that our children don’t understand that if we ask them to do something, we as parents mean that it needs to be done the very first time we ask. This stress we face as parents feels like it is exponentially increasing, yet if we don’t have the ability to recognize and then shift emotional gears, our ability to parent our children is greatly diminished.

Imagine a sports car that is stuck in fifth gear. It has the ability to race to its destination and achieve great distances, but if it maintains that speed while trying to accommodate traffic and pedestrians, the results will inevitably be disastrous, or at minimum the car will not run efficiently by using only one of its many gears. As parents we tend to act like the car stuck in fifth gear; there’s never enough time in the day to get everything done.As a result our tempers grow shorter, empathy becomes burdensome and perspective is lost. Unfortunately, this toll can become like a set of dominos. As the pressures of the outside world are more demanding, there is a tendency to manifest the pressure by being hard on society at large. From there the emotional chain reaction continues as we become more impatient and eventually take it out on our spouses and children. Though each of these interactions have negative consequences, specific to our children these emotional responses by parents can leave an indelible impression. Children are impressionable and readily gain an understanding of how to conduct themselves and navigate in the world by the lessons and modeling they observe. These lessons are especially indelible when parents are the teachers of the lessons. Children learn to immolate their parents’ over reaction to stress, or they may internalize their own stress, become perfectionist, or symptomatic, because they risk being the target of their parent’s stress.

It is essential for kids to learn the ability to shift emotional and physiological gears. Remaining stuck at a high state of stress, or physiological arousal circumvents the necessary emotional and physical development they need in order to grow into well-balanced and competent adults that can successfully navigate the hurdles and stress of the outside world. Some brain researchers believe that a brain that is in a constant state of high-arousal, eventually has a more difficult task, physiologically calming down and it can eventually lose the ability to shift arousal states. Additionally, constantly exposing the brain to a high degree of stimulation, anxiety and arousal can train the brain to only crave and work efficiently at that speedy pace.

The result of other research notes that the brain goes through specific tasks in order to encode information in to its long-term memory. Living in a fast paced, highly stimulating environment can impede this process. One study looked at high school and found that students who had a five minute passing period in-between classes had trouble storing the material from the previous class into their long-term memory because the brain could not go through the necessary processes to encode the information and appropriately imprint it. The study further reflected that those students who were given twenty, or thirty minutes between classes could better retain the information.

“As parents we tend to act like the car stuck in fifth gear; there’s never enough time in the day to get everything done.”

The “Faster, please!” mentality may also contribute to the rise of, or exacerbate attentional issues (ADHD). There are several contributing factors for diagnosing ADHD(diagnostically inclusive of ADD and ADHD), including genetic predisposition and early trauma. However, three of the significant diagnostic markers of this disorder are inattention, distractibility and hyperactivity; its presence or absence. There is no question that environment plays a significant role in behavior and when a society reinforces the same qualities that it later needs to treat as a disorder, we have set up a vicious cycle that is hard to address and treat as both as a society and as clinicians.

In later family sessions I talked to Daniel and Linda about the changes they instituted in their household. They told me that when I asked them to look at their hectic life style and the potential negative impact it had on them and their children, they thought I was unrealistic. However, now they watch a little less television, the computer does not act as the kids babysitter and that the quantity in their life has been replaced by quality. Mom and Dad have even come up with a silly reminder to change their pace by asking each other what gear they are in when the door to the outside world closes and the family time begins. For Daniel, Linda, your children and mine; “Slow down, please!”

Your questions and comments are welcome via email or by letter at Creative Child Magazine at 2505 Anthem Village Drive, #E619, Henderson, NV 89052. David Aronsohn maintains a private and corporate consultation practice out of Westlake Village, CA 818/735-0428

Disclaimer: The advice in this article is not meant to act as professional advice, or counseling for your particular set of circumstances. It is designed for general knowledge. It is recommended that if you feel you need individual assistance for you, or your family, you seek the advice and intervention of a licensed professional that can provide help for your particular set of circumstances.