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First, assess the need. What is causing your child to feel a sudden need for more attention? Has there been a change in his environment? Perhaps it’s just a period of growth and new understanding, like suddenly realizing you could pass away. It isn’t always immediately obvious what is causing the behavior, but at least when you seek to understand rather than moving straight to consequences, you’ll be more likely to uncover the hurt and help your child heal.

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Second, calm yourself and your child. It can be hard to keep your cool when your child is pushing all your buttons! Create a calming area where you can both go to regulate your emotions. This both gets the child out of the situation and teaches emotional intelligence. Calm brains take in and process information better than dysregulated brains, so wait until everyone’s rational brains prevail before moving forward to solve the issue. During this time, showing empathy will help your child regulate more quickly. Remember, kindness and empathy aren’t rewards but keys to your child’s heart.

Third, teach and problem-solve. Here’s where you begin to help your child understand how to communicate and behave better. This is a critical step that punishments such as grounding and time-out leave out, because without giving kids knowledge of how to improve, we can’t expect them to do better. This is also where you begin the work of healing the wound causing the misbehavior, if such is the case. If your child is feeling jealous over a new sibling or relationship or is suddenly developing big fears and worries, you can spend extra time with your child to reassure her and talk with her about her thoughts. Purposeful play is also helpful for working through emotions.

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We all have a need for connection and attention. While the behaviors used to gain this attention may not be optimal, a child’s need for it is very real and should never be ignored.

Rebecca Eanes is the bestselling author of multiple books including Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide, The Positive Parenting Workbook, and The Gift of a Happy Mother. She is the grateful mom of two boys.